I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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