It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
