By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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