Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
