You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
