Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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