69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
