All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
