a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Someone shattered a urinal.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
