Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
