I wish my penis had an off switch
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
