I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Be still, my beating vagina.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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