im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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