So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
