If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
