Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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