i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
