Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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