I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
