Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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