So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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