At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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