I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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