Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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