Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
