You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
