i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
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somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
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I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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