so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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