I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
