Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.