Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just found puke in my bra..
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.