a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She's the barista slut.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
