i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did