Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
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Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
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its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"