Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.