what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
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i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
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THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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