I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.