I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours