She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize