Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
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Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
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I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo