I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...