you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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