An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
