i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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