she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
my liver is dry heaving
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
