He uses pillows to masturbate.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
