No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
