how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
