I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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