Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
