I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
