One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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