I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
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He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
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You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
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