I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i think i have two assholes
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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