dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
