I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
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You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
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I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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