We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
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On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
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I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize