she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
