Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
