I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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