...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
