Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
