saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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